It's so tiny..and green!
Once upon a time, after finishing up my B.A. in English and filled with bright visions of writing and creating for a living, I stumbled unaware into a career in the health industry. This twisting, brambled path led me into darkness. Amidst the darkest days of despair and anguish, lost in a forest of regret and self-loathing, I saw a glimmer of light between the trees.
Despite finding myself in an industry that I had no desire nor preparation to be a part of, I found a small interest in the raw mechanics of the human body.
The blood lab at the hospital would come every morning towards the end of my over-night shifts and draw their labs from patients. I came to know through the process of inputting every medical order what each lab measured and why. Surgeries were prepped for and tests performed, and I became familiar with the GI tract and respiratory system and the endocrine system and their many complications and solutions.
Later, at the SNF, I witnessed the devastation of dementia and was intrigued by stage IV wound care and how to teach someone who'd broken a hip or suffered a stroke to walk and eat again. As in the hospital, the corporate part and the AMA and the needless drugs and procedures and medications infuriated and outraged me, but the rest was like taking a great live-action health class.
You see, I hated the medical industry for the most part, but by God, I loved the marvels of the human body.
After leaving the SNF I started my CMT journey. Since becoming a massage therapist, I've taken additional classes to become certified in more specific areas like Reiki and Pre- and Post- Natal bodywork. The learning never has to end, and I love it.
I remember one time talking to my husband about things that interest me for my future career, and how much I've become an enthusiast about childbirth, particularly natural methods. I've read some amazing literature on childbirth in various world cultures and have always loved it. The conversation came and went.
This last May, we were on a trip to the coast for the weekend and I again brought up how I think I'd like to think about becoming a childbirth doula. Being a massage therapist is a great foundation. As we talked about it, a little green car changed lanes right in front of us. Across the back windshield was a giant sticker: www.my3doulas.com. Strange, to say the least.
In class that same month, someone found an ad for the Kate Jordan Bodywork for the Childbearing Year Seminars in a massage magazine. This intense workshop would certify you in bodywork techniques for pre-natal, post-partum, and labor support. I signed up right away, and my passion was further ignited.
Now my sister is pregnant. Although I haven't worked with her as much lately as I'd have liked to, we talk about her pregnancy frequently. She surprised me by saying that she was seeking out the Bradley Birthing Method classes in our area, (I'm so proud,) and she'd like to have a doula or a labor support present, and that if I feel that by that time I would be confident enough she thinks I'd be the best person. I am overjoyed. She contacted the most well-known doula in the area (there are not many here) and though she was unable to meeting with my sister for classes, they got to talking about me. Doula says that my certification is wonderful and the greatest thing have as a doula, and that I should give her a call. She's had a few other ladies contact her about mentorship, so if she gets enough of us, she can bring the doula training right here to Fresno.
I have her number in my planner. I keep staring at it.
What if everything- from my English degree and interst in anthropology, to my "accidental" step into healthcare, to massage therapy, to my additional certification, has been leading me to this? What if all along these heartbreaks and triumphs have been setting a foundation to do something that I am sincerely interested in? And with a pregnant sister who needs me, I have more reason than ever to persue it now.
Standing on the cusp of something unexpected, I am almost frightened. This may mean leaving a job that has treated me well for a year (though isn't at all what I want for a career.) It may mean another financial sacrifice. It may mean changing everything.
I haven't called her. I'm mustering something up inside that I cannot describe.
I'm not feeling very social - online - recently. Not sure why.
I've been spending a lot of my free time playing silly Facebook games, they
are stupidly addicting. I knew I shouldn't have even glanced at one. They're
like homeless puppies, you just can't give 'em up.
Work has been slow this week, this whole month seems slow since I'm waiting
on not only my Nook but also Star Trek on Blu-Ray. Amazon gave me a great
price and promised it would be on my doorstep the day it was released. I
wonder if my Nook will be shipped with the same speed? That's one thing that
rocks about Amazon - their shipping with high profile items.
As much as I hate to admit it, because I really wanted to keep breastfeeding
& pumping until she was a least a year old, I think I might stop
breastfeeding soon. I can't seem to keep up on the medication that keeps my
supply even sufficient enough (we've been having to give her bottles of
formula at night before bed), and even if I do there's no promise that my
supply will even last much longer. Plus, I can't even fathom dieting and
losing weight while doing this and recently I've become so disgusted with my
body. That great feeling I had from knowing that I'd successfully lost all
the weight I put on with the baby is gone and now I'm just left with the
realization that I was fat before the baby too.
But I feel there is a lot standing in my way. I know that if I thought about
it, I could get past it all, but it's hard. I need to learn how to cook -
and to find recipes within my budget and experience level for just two
people. I also need to make the time to exercise as I know that dieting
alone will only do so much. My schedule is very limiting because I have to
wake up at 5am to go to work - and once I get home I just want to spend time
with my family. Most nights I'm in bed by 8:30-9pm, it's a grueling schedule
but it's not changing until AT LEAST Christmas.
But, now that I think about it, I can do it. I can change my schedule at
Christmas, breastfeed until then which'll take me to at least 9 months, and
then start trying to get myself into shape. I hate being a fat mom. I hate
perpetuating the American stereotype of fat, lazy, and careless. I do care.
A couple months ago- when we brought on the "help" at work that turned out to be anything but and I was stressed out about so many things- my husband sent an instant message to me at the office:
"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day." -Matthew 6:34
My husband does not read the Bible, but came across this verse somewhere that day and thought it might help me get through the struggles I was facing. It was completely appropriate, and a nice word of advice.
I wrote it on an over-sized post-it note and stuck it to the wall of my desk so that I would remember it. Later on that day, I shared it with a co-worker.
Her eyes filled with tears, and she thanked me for sharing. She's having trouble at home along with stress at the office. She believes that God sent that message to me so that I could share it and comfort her. She printed it out and taped it to her computer.
Last week at work was extremely tough. Some things happened that resulted in- well, let's just say that things really couldn't be worse, but we're a great team and pulling together now. I really can't go into more detail.
The morning this all came to light, one of the owners passed by my desk on his way outside. He paused and said, "I like your scripture." He told me that the previous night at 9:30PM, he was sitting at my desk, finally getting to eat his dinner and watching the locksmith change the locks and he saw the verse. He thought it was just right.
I was suddenly filled with hope.
This is how God speaks. It has taken me all these years to finally see it. As a kid I would sit in front of my open Bible and beg God to speak to me. Years of silence have left me jaded and my faith dangling by a thread.
God speaks in the post-it on a coworker's desk that wasn't meant for you but found you anyway at the right time. God speaks in the hunch of the belly, when we just know something. God speaks in intuition and consiousness. God speaks in the coincidence that seems unlikely, the subtleties of convenient events. God speaks in the voice of a friend or a stranger. Sometimes God uses the voice of Mother Nature, in the whisper of the swaying pines filling you with serenity and hope and something solid to believe in.
This is God's voice. God is speaking. I am listening.
On the cusp of November, NaNoWriMo staring me in the face and being fully prepared with plot and notes to boot, my MacBook Pro kicked the bucket.
Kicked the bucket!
Really?! I thought as the screen remained black despite my repeated clicking of the power button. Reliable and a faithful companion through university essays and poems and hundreds of blogs and even more hours of internet browsing in living rooms and offices and coffee shops across Fresno County, finished in a moment when it suddenly refused to turn on.
They tell me the logic board is shot. Heh. My logic board feels shot lately, too, so I can't blame it. It'll take about $310 to fix, which we simply cannot afford until long after the holidays. The problem with Apple products is that they're never cheap to fix when they break. So my husband pulled out his old PC for me and set it up on my craft table in the office. He'd been using the monitor in a duel-monitor setup with his Mac. Good thing we still had it. I had dreams of taking my laptop with me to the coffee shop to work on my novel, devoid of the distractions of home, but this will have to do. Somehow I think that I'll be getting a lot less writing done than I'd anticipated.
This weekend I decided to be creative. On Friday my mother-in-law hosted a pumpkin-carving party. I carved a swine flu face. I promise to post pics later. On Halloween Chris and I decorated the door in cobwebs and set our jack-o-lanterns out front, and fed chocolate to about half a dozen kids from the complex while we ate roasted brussels sprouts and watched a movie. My hands got antsy, so I crocheted a baby beanie to go with the baby sweater I did last weekend. On Sunday I decided to make the invitations for my sister's baby shower, which I'm hosting on December 6th. The blank notes were cheaper than pre-made invites, and now they're far cuter. I busted out the watercolors and Q-tips and pink ribbon and made a simple but cute invitation that I think will be well-recieved.
As I sat there doodling and playing with water colors, I was reminded how many art supplies I have at home and how much I like to create, even if I'm not the best at every medium. Now that my office is somewhat organized, I should feel freer to make and do.
It is November 3rd, and even though I have a computer set up, I haven't started a single word for NaNoWriMo. I had planned on waking up on Sunday morning, walking to Starbucks with my laptop and writing for hours to jump things off, but since I am sans laptop, I am less enthused. What is wrong with me?! I was so excited, but now that November is here, I think I am afraid. I need to remind myself that this isn't an essay for school- this is FUN stuff! Tonight I'll start, I swear I will.
She's probably tripping Saint Peter down the stairs as we speak!
While it's sad, it's not surprising. She was 536 years old. Strangely enough, DeWitte and I were talking about it and neither one of us has ever had a cat die of old age before. That's probably because we always had indoor/outdoor cats growing up and they'd either get hit by a car or run away. They only let you dress them up in your doll clothes so many times before they feel the need to take up residence in a less humiliating household.
She was a mean old grouchy bat of a cat who attempted to murder me often but I'll miss her anyway. Now we've gotta tell Nathan. This isn't gonna be pretty. He's never known a life without Cleo and he's a major cat person so this is just gonna kill him. Too bad they don't let you take time off for the death of a pet...I'll have to wait until after homework and piano then maybe DeWitte and I can do it together.
So, around 5:30, I asked DeWitte where his fancy "see in the dark" video camera, that I bought him just for Halloween night, I might add, was so that I'd be ready. He said that the battery was dead and he didn't know where the charger was. He was too busy to stop to look for it and I looked where he thought it might be but no luck...so I used the Flip video camera instead. It does not see in the dark so I followed one of my Mom's from school through because her kids all have on glow necklaces. There's kind of a dead spot right in the middle, they were going down a dead end and I didn't follow and can't figure out how to edit that part out to save my life because I'm tech-savvy like that. Anyway, so you can't see much but you can hear it.
It was the best year ever. 364 people came in about 2 1/2 hours. That's a hundred more than last year.
My neighbor kid painted this on the front because he's awesome like that!
The view from my bedroom window
Nathan (the clown) and my niece (the beast) heading out trick or treating. The other two kids were part of the crew.
Various rooms in the maze
It was a very Happy Halloween!
It's true, I had my own Halloween Miracle occur this very morning and it happened right in my very own bedroom! (No worries..this is very rated G) For weeks I've been looking for my Jack mask (Latex prosthetic masks are really expensive or I wouldn't care). Somehow, I didn't put it away with the rest of the stuff last year. I'd known where it was..and I remember when I moved it, I just couldn't remember where I moved it to. We went through every box in the garage, the studio next to the garage and the apartment over the garage (DeWitte keeps a lot of boxes of stuff)..nothing. This morning, I woke up and saw Nathan's see-thru engine model box in the corner of my room..which got moved the same time my mask did..and sure enough, there it was! Now Nathan can wear a big boy mask this year after all! :D
Speaking of Nathan, he wanted to be my Spider Man..I thought he just wanted to be in the maze but no. He figured he'd get to keep all the left over silly string and if he was the Spider, he could conserve it and keep the rest for himself. "A little squirt for you, a little squirt for you, 35 cans of silly string for me!" I don't think so, Clark.
We've got a cool new thing we're trying this year. We're having a moving wall on one of the dead ends that can close after someone goes down that path. When they come back the way they came, it'll seem like they're stuck...and hopefully a little panicky.
Half a dozen Fire Fighters came down to our house last night and asked if they could go through the maze. I was kinda worried they'd be looking for fire code infractions but no, they just wanted to play. I turned all the effects back on and turned them loose. They had a ball running around scaring each other and getting lost. Afterward, they told me we should charge admission..which we can't do because then we would have to comply with the fire codes and that many extension cords can't be legal! I planned to ask for donations, though, to give to my PTA.
Hope everyone has a great Halloween!
You guys might remember I was talking early last week about wanting to
buy a Nook for Christmas, and I did - I pre-ordered it on Wednesday. I
figure this can be my Christmas present from anyone who wants to gift
me :) If not, then it'll just come out of my savings for a few months.
I'm really excited! I went online today and began my "eBook wish list"
and I can't wait to start filling it up. I also found a website that I
can sell some of my books to. Not all of my books are in the eBook
format, but the ones that are I'll probably sell and use that money to
repurchase in eBook format. I think my first set of purchases might be
Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, as those books are HUGE and being
able to carry all SIX (plus her companion book, that indexes
everything from between the first & fourth books) around in one teeny
device will be a dream come true - who knows, I might actually be able
to get through re-reading the series again!
So, anyone want to donate to my Nook fund, or eBook fund? :P
I remember well, the time we went after church one Sunday. We had
a larger group, six of us, no children. We had this waiter who
seemed...off. We'd all worked customer service before though, so
we didn't judge him too harshly. But after he brought us our food,
we never saw him again. We kept waiting & waiting & waiting -
really just wanting to pay and be out of there - but nothing. At last
we found someone else and let the know we just want to pay so we could
leave. Later we were told our waiter had QUIT, and walked out the
door. The owner had to call the cops because apparently he left with
people's credit cards - in his huff.
Very strange indeed.
